A Needle In A Haystack 🪡
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Hello!
“People don’t talk about how uncomfortable change can take ages.”
This is a message I got from my sister yesterday at midnight. So let’s talk about how uncomfortable change can. take. AGES.
In this day and age, we have the privilege of knowledge and information. We see a lot of things and we know a lot about what is going on in people’s lives even if we haven’t seen them in years or (sometimes) have never even met them.
We see people with beautiful, happy, healthy babies, we see people holding the keys to their brand new homes, we see people signing a contract for their new, glitzy, well-paying jobs, we see a person with a suitcase and their new apartment with a beach in Bali as their “new morning view”, we see a light so pure and bright between a couple whose love seems like it was written in the stars.
We are happy for them. We are sad for ourselves. We feel a twinge of unworthiness and that we need to start making more moves forward because we are “wayyyy behind”.
But what we don’t see? The years of painful in vitro treatments and an almost failed marriage that came before, the lack of social life due to saving and saying no to any and everything that came up in order to save for the downpayment, the tears in work bathroom stalls due to feelings of being unappreciated and overworked and tired, the estrangement from friends and family in order to live out a dream that no one agrees with or understands, the abusive relationships and horrible dating time and time again. These were all the “before” images to the “afters” we actually get to see on social media.
I started writing Maraviglia on the back end of one of these horrific transitional periods. I lost who I was a little bit during this period of “uncomfortable change” and I don’t think anyone could tell or even see it really. From the outside looking in, I was a young girl who was moving to a new country on her own for the second time and falling in love and having all of these incredible experiences and starting my own business. Of course I didn’t talk about it or post about it, I didn’t know how to translate the feelings I was having into words even to myself.
I gained 40 lbs. I had angry outbursts that were so far from who I am and what I stand for. I cried nearly every day. I mourned my old life. I longed for a new life. I was proud of myself. I felt like I was the weakest person ever. Everything was fun. Nothing was as fun as it used to be. It was a MESS. But I kept telling myself the ONLY thing that could happen from all of this was that I would eventually get to the other side. There had to be a reason I had uprooted everything and made the decision I did. Luckily, I had such incredible support throughout that transition that I was able to continue believing and working towards getting to the other side. I mean in all honesty, if I was Christian, I don’t know if I would’ve stuck around with me through that. It was messy. It was heavy. It was sad and it was not me being myself. But it needed to happen.
I almost imagine that period of life as me trying to find a needle in a itchy, prickly haystack… It was claustrophobic and humid. There were some moments of light obviously but mainly a whole lot of darkness. I had just given up my career. I wasn’t gigging every week like I had been before. I didn’t have the incredible friend group I once had. I wasn’t living in my favorite city anymore. I was so misunderstood from both a cultural and linguistic standpoint. I was lost and so alone.
But I’m now on the other side of it and I’m so so grateful to past Mara for listening to the magic that was calling her forward and powering on through. I found the needle. And to be honest, it didn’t take me a very long time to do it. But when you’re in a phase of feeling suffocated and c, each day feels like a year.
Go easy on yourself when you see someone else’s wins. It can be difficult, especially if you’re not in a great place. And I think for the people who are in their winning period, be open about how you got there. People need to hear about your journey. For example, I couldn’t talk about how unhappy I was when I was going through it because I had to internalize it a little bit. Plus, I always feel like I have to be a little careful with sharing how I’m feeling because I worry my big, crazy decisions will come off as failures and bad choices instead of, just like the rest of life, a learning curve and a search for that needle in the haystack. So if you’re in a period of doubt and hurt and loss and unknowing and sacrifice, keep your search going. Keep allowing that gut feeling of ‘the best is yet to come’ to help guide you through it.
Because once you find your needle, you’ll be able to start weaving something exquisite. But you’ve got to go through the haystack to find it.
The Fashion Part
I touched on this a little last week, but I’m so into “big” things at the moment. I strayed away from this for a while because I am a curvy little lady, so I felt like wearing things big made me look even bigger because no matter how big something is, these hips will still do their damn best to make sure they touch the fabric (they like to be cozy in that way. I don’t blame them). I’m not just talking about big, chunky sweaters with jeans and flats. No, I’m talking big, slouchy trousers with a big, oversize blazer and a big trench and big boots. I don’t keep up with fashion very much and I don’t know much about what’s actually on trend because I shop mainly in thrift stores and the people I follow for fashion have very much had the same style since 2011. BUT this is just what I envision myself wearing this fall/winter. I love how creative you can be with textures and patterns in this way plus you can stay SO WARM.
The Music Part
The song that is giving me all the good feelings right now and I can’t stop listening to is called Treehouse by Alex G. and Emily Yacina. It doesn’t have much significance in my life other than the fact that I’m really enjoying it at the moment and it makes me feel happy and very much like the main character when I listen to it as I’m strutting around town. I also used it in a TikTok I made celebrating my friend’s brilliant wedding. So maybe that has something to do with it. Here’s that TikTok so you have a visual to go with it:
The Food Part
Let’s talk about soup again. More importantly, let’s talk about taco soup. Because those are just two things that work well together and bring such a comfort to my soul that I can’t explain with mere feeble words. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. I think it goes without saying that you must eat these with delicious tortilla chips by your side at all times. Because THAT is what finding the Maraviglia in life is all about. Plus, I can’t find good Mexican in Florence… so we create our happiness where we can’t find it.
Here’s the recipe I used and will now forever use any time the temperature is below 20(℃)(Although also Fahrenheit because that would be really, really cold so it’s appropriate for both).
The Book Part
TW: Abortion
This was my first time reading Joan Didion and my God what an experience Play It As It Lays was. This book was so brutally magnificent I didn’t feel worthy to have been in its presence. Don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t a second I enjoyed the book. But that’s what made it such a masterpiece. It felt like hearing your friend tell you some of her saddest innermost thoughts of some of her daily traumas and the phone line cutting off before you could console her in some way. It was heartbreaking.
I would definitely look up trigger warnings before reading. It was about an actress who was sort of dropped before her peak in the industry and fell pregnant by a man who was not her husband, but her lover. Her husband told her to get it aborted and she did in hopes that would be the final thing she would have to do for someone else and she could go on with her life.
It then goes on to talk about how deeply she struggled with this decision that wasn’t even really hers. The story basically talks about the build up of all her traumas as she’s struggling with the loss of her mother, who was tragically found weeks after her death by car accident eaten by coyotes, her heartbreak over her daughter Kate, who was born with a rare disease and has random, angry outbursts and has been sectioned to a psychiatric hospital, and also her failing marriage and the fakeness and nothingness of life in Hollywood.
The cover sold me and the writing kept me. I don’t even know if it’s in good taste to recommend a book like this… But it’s too beautiful and maybe even a little important not to look at this stuff in the face sometimes. Plus, when I went to go update that I had read it on Goodreads and looked at the reviews, Lucy Dacus from boygenius had written a 5 star review on it. So if it’s good enough for Lucy, it’s good enough for us.
The Following Part
I just started working with a new client, and let me tell you… they are BRILLIANT. I met Lizzie, the founder of Live Frankly through one of my good friends Sophie, and when she was looking for someone in marketing to join her team, I obviously jumped at the chance to be part of her brilliant project.
Live Frankly is a website founded by journalists and funded by the good guys. Who are the good guys? Their INCREDIBLE sustainable, ethical brands.
The site is filled with incredible articles busting myths and being super transparent and frank about sustainability. It’s very accessible and easy to read, understand, and follow… Because sustainability should be easy. It shouldn’t feel like we need to be educated, knowledgeable and qualified in order to live on this planet or understand how to do better. It is our home and we deserve to know what we can do in order to make our home a comfortable place for not only us, but for others on this Earth that are living here now and for generations to come.
These articles are funded by the brilliant sustainable brands that Live Frankly have in their directory. They’ve got everything from fashion, to food, to beauty, to travel.
It’s an incredible space and instead of turning a blind eye and continuing to blame big companies and celebrities for the fact that it’s still 30℃ in mid October and our world is deteriorating at quicker rates than we can even predict, head over and learn how you can make small differences every day little by little.
I feel like once you know, you don’t have an excuse NOT to make easy changes. Sustainability isn’t scary. It isn’t a diet or something that you have to sacrifice the things you love for. Live Frankly is a site that can help teach you that. If you felt intimidated or guilty at all while reading this, then go have a look! We all could do better and we all could learn little things without having to get a degree in Environmental Science and Sustainability. Little steps people.
It’s more beautiful to really appreciate things and appreciate them for a long time and know we’re doing it in a good way anyway. Plus, I can vouch.. The founder is not only changing the world, but she’s one of the GREATEST people ever. We’ve talked for hours about anything and everything. Please support good humans with good hearts. Follow them here:
Read their INCREDIBLE articles here:
The TV Part
I’m so excited to finally say I started watching a new (very old) series, Twin Peaks by David Lynch. I can’t believe I’ve never seen this before. I always knew it was something I was supposed to watch because, on paper, it’s right up my alley, but when I was younger I had quite an obsessive personality when it came to art and media and (for some reason?) everyone on the Beatles fan-fiction side of Tumblr was obsessed with Twin Peaks also and their personalities were Twin Peaks and the Beatles. I was horrified of falling into an even more obsessive hole than I was already in over the Beatles and felt that two obsessions at once would just be me over-exaggerating. So I listened to the Beatles and wrote my songs and left Twin Peaks out of the mix. But now I’m older and can (somewhat) keep my obsessive behavior under control and so I watched it and it’s good! I’m not going to lie, I think I would’ve been safe because I don’t think it’s something I would’ve obsessed over, but it’s good.
I obviously love the fact that it’s all so visually beautiful and I think the acting (and actors) are beautiful as well (Joan Chen is one of the most stunning human beings I’ve ever seen RBG subpixels emit from my screen. I’ve never seen her in person so I can’t quite confirm that she is, indeed, a real human being and not actually pixels coming together to form what looks like an angel).
It’s very autumnal and complex and I wanted to say it reminded me a little bit of Stranger Things, so I looked up when the supposed era was and I’m even more intrigued now because there isn’t one. It’s all so ambiguous. Agent Cooper says, “[the town of Twin Peaks itself offers] A way of living I thought had vanished form the Earth.”
This ambiguity is something that is so great about the show in general. It’s filmed kind of like an American soap opera but it also very much deals with the complexities of humans and grief and death and unknowing in a very interesting way and not at all on the nose or predictable. I can now see why people rewatch this every autumn. I’m only on season 1, but it’s a yes from me.
The Movie Part
How could we be in October and NOT mention Rosemary’s Baby by (director who we will NOT name in this happy newsletter). I’ve got to be honest, I saw it for the first time this year and can’t believe I waited 26 years to watch what is probably now in my top 5 of all time favorite movies. It’s oh so horrifying and brutal, but the settings, the acting, the glamor, and the beauty of it all just has me hooked.
I could sit and watch it over and over again just for the decor and outfits alone. And Mia Farrow’s haircut is just the most CHIC thing I think I’ve ever seen a leading actress in a horror film wear. Even though I’d never seen it, I remember taking a photo of Mia from the film and bringing it to my hairdressers when I was 16 and wanted my pixie dream cut… I didn’t pull it off in quite the same way… ANYWHO, if you haven’t watched it yet this spooky season, or you’re like me and have never seen it. WATCH. IT. NOW. Plus if you’re more into thrillers than horrors because you’re still afraid of the dark even though you’ve lived on your own since you were 18, then this is the PERFECT choice.
The Product Part
Okay I know I recently talked about ceramics on here, BUT I CAN’T GET ENOUGH. Christian ended up buying the little moka machine I talked about last week in my newsletter. To my dismay, not the cute vintage green one (boo). He had done a lot of research though, and the one he bought makes GORGEOUS, CREAMY caffè espresso every morning. So I’m not too sad that it isn’t colorful. With that being said, I’m now on an espresso mug HUNT. I just keep seeing the most beautiful ones everywhere. You guys are going to flip when you see the ones I’ve landed on. I mean are you kidding me?! It’s literally my exact wardrobe as I’m drinking my coffee in the mornings so it’s only fitting. This product is from a maker called Ramos Ceramica from Lisbon and they have such beautiful pieces on their site. Plus the descriptions are to die for. For this espresso cup in particular it says:
This peachy cup is not for the average coffee lover. It is beautifully sculpted and only half dressed, desperately trying to start the day - just like you.
I’m sold.
The Podcast Part
I AM SO ANGRY. My sister recommended this podcast to me and now I’m recommending it to you even though my blood is boiling. Scamanda is a podcast where journalist Charlie Webster uncovers the tale of Amanda C. Riley, a woman who faked cancer for SEVEN YEARS and schemed over 349 donors into giving her over $100,000. The reasoning behind it, in terms of the way the podcast framed it, was that it was a step Amanda took too far in order to win a custody battle. A custody battle for a girl she used to sort of babysit and now was the step-mother of. That’s right… The dad left the mother as soon as Amanda became of age and married Amanda and they wanted full custody of his biological daughter. Obviously this is something that makes me so angry because you can’t even believe that a human being could go this far. You can’t fathom that someone would use something as awful as cancer to get their way… but it happened with someone I knew as well.
While I was in university, there was a student that claimed to have had cancer. He said it was Stage 4 brain cancer and that he only had 6 months to live. He said he decided to take chemo pills so that he could lead a relatively normal life and not lose his hair and that he wanted to keep it from his family as his family life wasn’t great at the time of his diagnosis. This already seemed a little weird to me… I’m from Memphis and we have one of the world’s leading cancer research hospitals, so naturally, there were a lot of people I knew from the city who had moved to Memphis in order to get treatment there. My friends have had cancer, 2 of my cousins have had cancer, my aunt has had cancer, and my uncle has had cancer. I’d seen a lot of cancer and I saw how absolutely sick it made people. Even with cancers with a high survival rate, my friends were getting knee replacement surgeries and getting horrible sores all throughout their digestive tracts starting from their throats as a result of the chemo… They were sick. And this guy with a cancer that was one of the worst cancers you could have still continued to be at the pub every night. He still continued to be at school and every event every day. It just didn’t add up. I’ve had head colds that made me feel more crummy than his cancer was making him.
I remember one night I told my friends how I felt and they said they were so relieved because they didn’t believe him either. We decided that we would all look out for some signs. He obviously wasn’t doing very much treatment or any trials other than these side-effectless at home chemo pills. I said, come December when he said he was making his funeral arrangements, I bet he’ll make a post and say he’s cured… And low and behold. December 2016, there was the weirdest, most threatening “I’M A MIRACLE. I’M CURED” post I’d ever seen. I say threatening because he said if anyone told his parents about his cancer, they’d find themselves dangling by the balls on a cheese grater… yikes.
Honestly, this doesn’t even come close to the horrors of what Amanda did. In the UK, you don’t have to pay for cancer treatment, so no one ever gave him anything other than sympathy (that I know of)… But I think it just goes to show that people go to such great lengths to get something out of kind, empathetic, giving human beings and it can truly be terrifying. ANYWAYS. This podcast is worth the listen if you like a crazy story.
Root for yourself this week and do something for yourself that makes you happy. If you’re currently in the haystack and it all feels impossible, you’ll get there. You are not alone. in fact, you’re doing great.
I promise, doing little things little by little makes life that much more full of wonder.
Have a great week!
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